Season of Life

At 55 years old, I am still learning life lessons. When I was young, I thought that by the time you were 50 you must certainly know everything about handling what life throws at you. It turns out that you don't. While your life experiences help you draw on previous successes and failures, life continues to throw unique challenges at you.

Several months ago, I was presented with a decision that seemed absolutely overwhelming, and unlike any challenge I had faced before. I was being forced to submit to a medical procedure and openly discuss my private health information with the world in order maintain my livelihood and continue with my career that I had been working at for thirty years. This medical procedure felt so completely wrong for me that it made me physically ill to think about complying with this order. More than that, complying represented a loss of my basic human rights. I was horrified thinking about what mass compliance of this agenda would mean to my children’s future. I was dumbfounded to realize that I could work at a job for thirty years, 21 years at the same hospital, work hard to do the best for my patients and my administration, and be thrown out like trash. It was clear from the start that I would have to give up a career I loved and that had supported my family. This career I had devoted thirty years to and had a passion to do. But I walk away I did….. because I had no choice.

This decision to leave and not comply lead to a series of events that unfolded over the course of a few months. I call it a decision, I do not call it a choice. This was not a choice, though many say it was, and many say that I got what I deserved. I continue to receive hateful messages from people who do not agree with my decision. I strongly disagree with their comments and it is also their freedoms that I am standing up for, but that is for another blog post for another day. As the events unfolded, I watched people who had been in my life for decades suddenly fade away. It was dramatic and obvious. Some called me out openly. People who had been my friends called me “off the rails.” Some said they were glad to see me go if I didn't comply. A few of my friends demonstrated an overt awkwardness in speaking with me. Scratching the surface with a simple “hello” and then a quick about-face and off they went. But most just silently vanished. I was not sad to see some of these people exit my life as I had maintained only a professional relationship with them, but had no respect for the work they did , or who they were as people for their blatant lack of compasion and respect for their patients. But others frankly surprised me. Initially it hurt, I waivered between saddness, anger, and disappointment. It was especially difficult as I navigated myself in to a new job with dramatically less income. But, then those feelings faded too. As I settled in to my new position in life and tried to find my new path, I spent a great deal of time reflecting on the events that had brought me here and I realized that friends come and go in a lifetime. Even love can come and go.

These events were unfolding as I was transitioning the dairy from summer to winter and it occured to me that friends are like seasons. Maybe careers are too. Our friends come in to our lives and serve a propose to us for where we are in life. During our lifetime, we learn life lessons, and it is the lessons throughout our entire life that makes us who we are. Because each is unique to us, we don't necessarily grow in the same direction as our friends. As we grow, we find our friends becoming more distant gradually over time. It isn't that we no longer like one another, but that we simply don't share as much as we once did. Some friends have hurt me and I moved on from them, not allowing them much contact so as not to be burned a second time. But as I reflect back, most just quietly faded away.

When my best friend Heather passed away, I struggled greatly with my relationship with God. This was not the first time I had these struggles with God. I grew up in an abusive house. If my mother wasn't pounding on us or pulling our hair, she was emotionally degrading us. If we got along with our siblings, she would come between that. Although I had a bond with one of my sisters that she couldn't break, though she certainly tried to at times. As I felt her wrath, and as I watched her wrath play out on my brothers and sisters, I would pray for it to stop. I would pray that we would be taken away from her. Nothing ever changed. No one helped us and I would wonder what kind of God would allow this? As we got older, the physical abuse subsided, but the emotional abuse continued into adulthood. In my career I have also seen unimaginable suffering. Children with terrible diseases and parents faced with unbearable decisions. I wondered why this was allowed to happen by a God who controlled all things. At least that is what I had been taught my whole life. He was all knowing and controlled everything, with the exception of free will, which just made it all so confusing.

As I was facing losing my livlihood, I reflected on the lessons I had learned from reading the Bible. These reflections surprised me because I essentially had no relationship with God in several years. But as these lessons would flash into my train of thought, I told myself, “Well. God or not, there is a lesson in there. “

I quit my job before the actual day that I was to be fired. The environment had become unbearable and it was bad for my mental health. Sitting at home was also bad for my mental health. So after months of trying to figure out what I wanted to do, and how I could find a job outside of healthcare that would financially support us, I took a job in a grocery store just so I would be busy and hopefully the near constant crying would stop. What drew me to this particular job was part time work and health benefits. The pay is terrible, but there is little stress. I was put in the deli. When I applied there were two departments I was not interested in. The pharmacy and…. yep, the deli. If they had put me in the pharmacy I would not have accepted the job. I had decided that anything having to do with industrialized medicine was not for me. I took the job in the deli though, thinking that if I hated it, I could eventually transfer out. I have been there 8 weeks now and I can honestly say that I love it. I am exactly where I am supposed to be.

Those Bible lessons continued to carry me through as I transitioned into this new path. And as I pondered the seasons of life, it occured to me that maybe all the events that made me who I am were orchestrated for a greater purpose. Maybe all of these life lessons played out perfectly to bring me to where I am today. And just maybe that is what is meant by “All knowing and All controlling”. I was sitting in my car the other day. That's how I spend my lunch, sitting alone in my car doing only “me” things. As I was thinking about the story of Noah and how he was ridiculed and how he had lost people close to him, I was overwhelmed with a sense of “right”. That I was doing the “right” thing for me. That things may get much, much harder before they get better, but that I was doing exactly what I was supposed to be. This overwhelming feeling of right; could this be the armor of God? I think my “in’s and outs” with God have been part of the journey. Many reading this will think my struggle with my relationship with God is terrible because I am also familiar with the lessons about turning away from God. But I understand completely now how each one of those events prepared me for where I am now.

Despite all the turmoil, despite leaving a job I was passionate about, despite losing substantial income, I am unexpectantly happy. I have left an overwhelming burden behind me and I feel lighter and more energetic. The friends that have left are but a season and this season is filled with new friends. I have left the ridicule behind me and have been welcomed into a new group who support and encourage me. I am also thankful for the few old friends who have seen me through this transition. There has been a small collection of friends that have come with me through this season and are joining in the next and for that I am truely grateful.

Part of the biggest fear with my decision to leave my career was the impact the change of income would have on our ability to meet our needs. Surprisingly, it has not been a significant problem either. I turns out that what I was paying for healthcare and taxes and added insurance took so much from my previous paycheck compared with so much less coming out of this paycheck. This disparity has created a much smaller cut in pay than I was expecting.

And so I will end this with, “The Lord will Provide”. When you are faced with insurmountable change, put your trust in the process. Put your trust in Him. There is more change coming, much of it will be hard. Your life is going to go through more seasons. Put your trust in Him. He has set that path that will take you to exactly where you need to be. I believe that eventually, this is going to lead to good just as it has so many times in our history. So hang in there, and as friends come and go, it is but a season and each season brings wonderful new things.